School Anxiety. What if your child hasn't settled into the new term?
For some children, the start of a new school term is exciting. New teachers, new classrooms, seeing friends again and getting back into a routine can all feel positive.
For others, it can be much harder.
And sometimes, several weeks into the new term, a child still hasn’t “settled”.
They may be tearful in the mornings, complaining of tummy aches or headaches, struggling to sleep, becoming more emotional at home, asking repeatedly whether they have to go to school, or simply saying:
“I don’t want to go.”
When this continues beyond the first few days or weeks, parents can understandably begin to worry. Is this normal back-to-school anxiety? Is something happening at school? Is our child struggling with something they cannot explain? And, perhaps most importantly, how do we help?
School anxiety can have many different causes. For some children it may be a general feeling of worry or overwhelm. For others there may be something very specific that is making school difficult.
The most useful place to start is often not with trying to persuade a child that everything is okay, but with listening to what their anxiety might be trying to tell us.
School anxiety: listen before trying to fix it
As parents, it can be tempting to reassure our children quickly.
“You’ll be fine.”
“There’s nothing to worry about.”
“You always feel like this at the beginning of term.”
“Once you get there, you’ll enjoy yourself.”
These comments usually come from a place of love. We want to make the worry go away.
But when a child is anxious, reassurance can sometimes unintentionally feel as though we are telling them that what they are feeling isn't important, or that they shouldn't feel the way they do.
Instead, we can start by listening.
One of the most important things we can give an anxious child is the knowledge that their worries will be heard.
That doesn't mean agreeing that something terrible is going to happen. It means acknowledging that the feeling itself is real.
You might say:
“It sounds like school is feeling really difficult at the moment.”
“I can see that you’re worried.”
“You don’t have to convince me. I believe that this feels hard.”
“I’m here, and we can try to work out what is making it feel this way.”
When children know that their feelings will be listened to rather than dismissed, corrected or immediately solved, they are often more able to begin talking about what is underneath their anxiety.
And sometimes that takes time.
A child may genuinely not know why they feel anxious.
“I don’t know” doesn't necessarily mean “I don't want to tell you.”
Sometimes it really does mean:
“I don't yet have the words for what my body is telling me.”
Validate the feeling without reinforcing the fear
There is an important difference between validating a child's feelings and agreeing with every anxious thought they have.
If a child says:
“Everyone hates me.”
We don't have to agree with that thought.
But nor do we need to dismiss it by saying:
“Don't be silly. Of course they don't.”
Instead, we can respond to the emotion underneath:
“It sounds as though you're feeling really left out at the moment. Can you tell me a bit more about what has been happening?”
The emotion is valid, even if our child's interpretation of the situation may not tell us the whole story.
This distinction can be particularly important when supporting a child with anxiety. We can help them feel heard and understood without confirming that the thing they fear is definitely true.
When children feel emotionally safe enough to tell us what is going on, we are in a much better position to help.
What is causing your child's school anxiety?
School anxiety isn't one single thing.
One useful starting point is to gently explore whether your child's anxiety feels broad and general or whether it is linked to something more specific.
Some children may experience a general sense of unease about school.
It might be:
- the noise
- the number of people
- transitions between lessons
- expectations and demands
- unpredictability
- constant social interaction
- sensory overload
- pressure to concentrate
- having to organise themselves
- fear of getting things wrong
- trying to keep up with their peers.
For other children, there may be one particular part of school that is causing anxiety.
Perhaps they are worried about a particular lesson.
They may be struggling academically.
They may be frightened of getting something wrong or being asked a question in front of the class.
There may be friendship difficulties or bullying.
Break and lunchtime might feel difficult.
They may feel uncomfortable around a particular teacher.
PE, changing rooms, assemblies, school transport or busy corridors may be particularly stressful.
For some neurodivergent children, the sensory and social demands of the school environment may be exhausting.
And sometimes the child isn't frightened of school itself. They are simply exhausted by how much effort it takes them to get through the day.
Don't just ask: “Why don't you want to go to school?”
When we are worried, it is natural to want an answer.
But:
“Why don't you want to go to school?”
is actually quite a big question.
A child who is already anxious may have no idea how to answer it.
Instead, try breaking the school day into smaller pieces and become a detective together.
You might explore:
- Which part of the school day feels easiest?
- Which part feels hardest?
- Are mornings worse than afternoons?
- Is there a particular day of the week that feels more difficult?
- Are lessons okay but breaktimes difficult?
- Is getting into school harder than actually being there?
- Are there particular people, places or situations that make the worry bigger?
- What happens in their body when they think about school?
- Is there anything at school that helps them feel safer or calmer?
- Are there times when the worry disappears or feels smaller?
You are looking for patterns rather than trying to extract an explanation.
Find a way of talking that works for your child
Sitting a child down and saying, “We need to talk about school” won't work for every child.
Some children find it much easier to talk when the conversation isn't the main activity.
They might talk in the car, while walking the dog, drawing, gaming, kicking a football around or sitting beside you on the sofa.
Side-by-side conversations can sometimes feel much less intense than sitting opposite an adult and being asked questions.
Other children may find it easier to write things down or text you.
You could also try using a simple scale:
0 = School feels completely okay
10 = School feels impossible
Instead of immediately asking why they chose an 8, you might ask:
“What makes today an 8 rather than a 6?”
or:
“Is there anything that might make tomorrow feel like a 7 instead?”
The aim isn't to interrogate your child.
It's to understand their experience.
Work with your child rather than making decisions for them
Children often cope better when they feel that they have some voice and agency in what happens next.
That is particularly important when anxiety has left a child feeling that much of their world is outside their control.
Where possible, involve your child in finding solutions.
You might ask:
“What do you think might make tomorrow a little easier?”
“Would it help if I spoke to your teacher?”
“Is there an adult at school you feel comfortable with?”
“What would you like them to understand?”
“Is there anything you definitely don't want me to say?”
“What could school do that would make things feel more manageable?”
Small choices can help a child feel less powerless.
The solution doesn't necessarily need to be removing every difficult situation.
Sometimes it is about making those situations feel safer, more predictable and manageable.
Anxiety in children doesn't always look like anxiety
When we think of an anxious child, we might imagine a child who is frightened, tearful or asking for reassurance.
But anxiety doesn't always look like anxiety.
Sometimes it looks like:
- anger
- shouting
- refusing to get dressed
- arguing
- shutting down
- saying “I don't care”
- becoming very controlling
- being unable to get out of bed
- becoming unusually clingy
- having a meltdown
- suddenly becoming distressed about something that seems completely unrelated to school.
Behaviour is often communication.
Instead of asking only:
“How do I stop this behaviour?”
try adding another question:
“What might my child be communicating through this behaviour?”
A child who falls apart because you've bought the wrong cereal at 7:30am may not really be distressed about cereal.
Their nervous system may already be overwhelmed by what they know is coming next.
School anxiety is physical as well as emotional
Anxiety isn't just something that happens in our thoughts.
It is a whole-body response.
Children experiencing school anxiety may have:
- stomach aches
- nausea
- headaches
- shaking
- racing thoughts
- rapid breathing
- dizziness
- exhaustion
- difficulty sleeping
- loss of appetite
- a feeling that they physically cannot move or get themselves through the school gates.
Those physical symptoms are real.
The nervous system is responding to something it perceives as threatening or overwhelming, even when adults around the child cannot immediately see what the threat might be.
Supporting the nervous system can therefore be just as important as talking about the worry.
Sleep, food, movement, predictable routines, quiet time and opportunities to decompress after school can all play a part.
For some children, particularly neurodivergent children and children with additional needs, getting through a school day can require enormous cognitive, emotional, social and sensory effort.
A child who appears to be coping perfectly well at school may come home completely depleted.
When a child masks their anxiety at school
Sometimes parents hear:
“They're absolutely fine once they're here.”
This can be very confusing when the child you see at home is exhausted, distressed or telling you they cannot manage another day.
Both things can be true.
Some children become very good at holding everything together during school and releasing that distress only when they return to the safety of home.
That doesn't mean the behaviour at home isn't real.
And it doesn't necessarily mean school is fine simply because a child is quiet, compliant or completing their work.
Understanding what it costs a child to get through the school day can be just as important as looking at whether they technically managed to attend.
Avoid letting school anxiety take over family life
When we are worried about our children, it is very easy for school anxiety to begin dominating every conversation.
“How was school?”
“What happened today?”
“Are you worried about tomorrow?”
“Have you done your homework?”
“Are you going to school tomorrow?”
Children still need time when nobody is analysing how they are coping.
Protect opportunities for connection that have nothing to do with school.
Watch something together.
Bake.
Play a game.
Go for a walk.
Talk about their interests.
Laugh.
Spend time together without an agenda.
Connection helps children feel safe, and children are often more likely to talk when they don't feel that every conversation is going to turn into a discussion about school.
Talk to school before the anxiety becomes overwhelming
If your child is consistently struggling with school anxiety, it is worth talking to school rather than waiting until things reach crisis point.
Be as specific as you can about what your child seems to find difficult and ask what staff are noticing too.
It may be helpful to explore whether adjustments could include:
- a trusted adult to check in with
- a quieter arrival
- somewhere calm to go during break or lunch
- reduced transitions
- support with organisation
- help navigating friendship difficulties
- clearer expectations
- advance warning of changes
- movement or sensory breaks
- additional support during particular lessons.
The aim should be to understand why school has become difficult and what can be changed to make it more manageable.
Simply concentrating on attendance or behaviour without understanding the anxiety underneath it can miss the very thing the child is trying to communicate.
What is EBSA?
You may hear schools, counsellors or other professionals use the term Emotionally Based School Avoidance, usually shortened to EBSA.
EBSA is generally used to describe difficulty attending school because of emotional distress, often associated with anxiety.
You may also hear terms such as school avoidance, school-related anxiety or school refusal.
Whatever terminology is used, it is important not to reduce the child to an attendance problem.
The more helpful question is:
“What is making school feel so difficult for this child?”
Once we begin to understand that, we can start thinking about what support may help.
Supporting a child with school anxiety: some things to remember
Your child isn't necessarily giving you a hard time because they are finding school hard.
They may be showing you that something feels difficult, frightening, overwhelming, unpredictable or beyond their current ability to manage.
Try not to rush straight to reassurance.
Listen first.
Validate the feeling.
Stay curious.
Look for patterns.
Collaborate with your child.
Talk to school.
And remember that progress doesn't always mean the anxiety immediately disappears.
Sometimes progress is a child finally being able to say:
“This is the bit I'm scared of.”
Or:
“Lunchtime is the worst part.”
Or:
“I don't understand what I'm supposed to do in that lesson.”
Or simply:
“I don't know why. I just feel scared.”
That understanding gives us somewhere to begin.
Because when a child feels listened to, believed and involved in finding the solution, we are no longer asking them to carry the worry alone.
When might counselling help with school anxiety?
Sometimes children and families need some additional space to understand what is happening.
Counselling can give a child or young person somewhere to explore difficult feelings without pressure to provide an immediate solution. It can also help parents think about what might be sitting underneath anxiety, behaviour or school avoidance and how best to support their child.
At Silver Penguin Family Therapy, I work with children, young people and parents experiencing anxiety, school-related difficulties, neurodivergence, disability, long-term health conditions and other challenges that can affect family life.
My approach is person-centred and collaborative. The aim isn't to make a child fit more comfortably into something they are finding difficult without first understanding why it feels difficult.
It is about listening, understanding and working together to find a way forward.